Friday, 15 December 2006

• The Birth of Thomas Jude

   

  † 

  Thomas' birth

   

  Thomas Jude, 1 day old.

  June 2nd, 2006.

  So Aaron (my husband) was right (about the date) and wrong (about the gender).

  Finally, after waiting for two-three weeks because I hoped to deliver as early as I did with 2 of my other pregnancies, I went into regular labor June 2nd, 5 days after my due date.  

  For days I had had labor cramps start and then taper off, and then start again and taper off again. I had had very strong Braxton Hicks contractions for over a month, to the point I had to stop walking when I had them, and I had been very uncomfortable the last weeks. My hips were hurting and there was a lot of downward pressure. I was really ready to have this baby, and this day the contractions kept coming. I was elated.

  Before labor started, I kind of had a feeling that this was going to be the day, things felt different. I didn't want to keep my hopes up though, and suggested Aaron should go to work anyway. I had been anticipating the birth so much that it could have been wishful thinking after all. However, I called him to come home from work at some point, knowing this was it.

  Aaron came home and called our priest to let him know I was in labor and to ask for his prayers. I had hoped all the children would stay home, but we decided to send our two boys to a friend's house for the day. It was just not going to work to have them there. The oldest was a nervous wreck (had wet his bed two nights before, needed to sleep with someone etc.) and indicated he would rather be somewhere else, and the youngest was just too wild. Wild form excitement, but too much for me to handle in labor. My little girl stayed home though.
  

  At this point neither of us remembers what happened when: whether Aaron left to drop off the boys and my water broke while he was gone, or whether it broke when he was back home. Either way, I was leaking fluid and walking around with a towel in between my legs. I think Aaron came back around 12.30 pm. The cramps had become regular, though they were very mild. I could keep doing some last minute things I wanted done (laundry, sweeping etc).  It felt good to keep busy. I am so organized though that there was not much to do. I had just had what would be the last nesting urge...
  

  At about 2 pm, things were getting a little more intense and I recognized I was entering the birth space. I welcomed it. A veil came over me, I was in my zone. During contractions I would lean on the counter, and let my belly hang, relaxing my whole upper body. My breathing was long and deep, with a sigh at the end. Aaron was  doing the dishes on the other side of our kitchen block, and I would resume talking, walking and doing things as soon as it passed.

  Then contractions were getting stronger and stronger, closer together and longer. After a while, I did not want to walk around anymore, I didn't want to talk and be distracted, and wanted to be in the more intimate surrounding of our bedroom. I was going deeper and deeper into the zone. My breathing changed from deep, long breaths to shallow faster breaths with a deep one as the contraction ebbed away. I naturally breathe like this in labor, this has been my rythm in all my births.  The endorphins made me labor drunk. I was really going to have this baby! Everything was going as I knew it would, I had done this before, it was all familiar, even the colors, and there was light 'surrounding' me. Whether the light was inside of me or outside of me, I don't know. Maybe both. I sure felt blessed the whole way. I knew I was fine and I could see my cervix dilating. I was consciously focusing on opening up with every contraction, going with the movement and the sensations, not against it. I wasn't holding anything back but welcomed opening up. I knew that tension, any tension anywhere, would result in pain.

  I felt like changing positions after every two or three contractions. I was sitting, standing, leaning against the wall, sitting on a birthing ball, even leaning against Aaron (I usually don't tolerate touch in labor), but I eventually ended on hands and knees on the floor. I was getting very uncomfortable and I remember wondering how long it would before baby would be here. I had no idea how far along I was. I reminded myself I had to go with the flow, that contractions were like waves on the ocean, and I that I could ride them. I was feeling every change and movement in my body, feeling peace, pleasure and pain at same time. Contractions came and went, time stood still. Every labor is different they say, and yet my body was doing the exact same thing it had done 3 times before. I had learned to listen to it and to trust it, remembering my 3^rd birth which was challenging in its own way because of its 24+ hour length and some challenges. This one wasn't going to be that long, I thought. I was getting close, I could feel it.

  Then one contraction felt very strange, lots of pressure, and as it peaked, my water broke with a plop and a gush. "Wow", I exclaimed. I was so surprised. I thought it had broken earlier that day, I had had a leak for hours. It hadn't been a gush though, *this * was a gush. With my other labors, my water had broken before labor had, so this was new. A strange experience, but I think the cushioning of the water bag made this labor not as intense as my other labors.

  Soon thereafter, I hit transition. Hard to not know for me. This time though, it didn't feel as crazy as my previous births, even though it was still uncomfortable. Contractions came one after the other with a sense of pushiness at the end. I had feared transition a little because I had always been so overwhelmed by the intensity of it, it had always been so bewildering, but this time it didn't take over. I recognized it, almost as an old friend, and was able to not let apprehension intimidate me. I felt the usual 'can't do this anymore', but whereas in my other labors I had really thought this to be true, and needed encouragement, this time I kind of laughed when I said it, as if I had to say it. I knew Aaron would know it would be soon if I said it. I had whispered it too, so that Rachel would not hear it and get anxious. She had gotten a little nervous because I was breathing so hard, though that is really the only sound I make in labor. Aaron reassured her telling her I was fine, just working hard.
  

  Aaron offered to bring down the birthing chair, the chair I had given birth in the other 3 times, my grandmothers chair I had brought from Holland. It had been perfect before. I sat in it through a few contractions, but at some point, this was definitely not comfortable. During the whole pregnancy I had envisioned the birth: it was going to be in my bedroom and on hands and knees. It was going to be smooth and peaceful, I had seen and dreamed it many times.  However, I had told Aaron to be flexible about where I would end up being, wanting to remain open to whatever I would need, and that if he would have to follow me around with pads, he would have to do so. Lol. With the other 3, I had been sitting while pushing, but with this one, I knew it wouldn't work. Baby was positioned differently. I was following my body's cues. 

  As I was sitting through a contraction, in the blink of a second, I decided to get on all 4s again. I simply had to. I was forced almost. As I did that, all of a sudden I felt the baby in the birth canal. Many women seem to be able to walk when there is a baby in the birth canal, or even in between pushing surges. I cannot even imagine that. I didn't even manage to get from the chair in the hall to the corner of the bed as a strong pushing surge was coming my way, so I ended up right in the door way... so not quite in the bedroom... I called Aaron to get behind me because the baby was coming *now* and I could not get off my hands. It went very fast. As usual my body just pushed, it pushed with a strength that has always amazed me. All I have to do is let it do its job and observe the strength and inborn knowledge it has to give birth. It is so amazing. I love the pushing stage, to me it has almost always been pleasurable (except with my 3^rd because by the time he was coming out, I wanted him out asap. I was so done). To feel a baby coming through the birth canal, it is fabulous. So I just breathed and observed.
  

  I remember being surprised my body was already pushing. The contractions were very strong, and all I could do was surrender. For a split second, I wondered if I should push along or not and I decided I would let my body do it without adding to it. I had learned from previous births that I could either push along with the contractions, or follow the body without adding extra strain. I knew it would all be over soon; even with my first, pushing was only 20 minutes. This time, I actually wanted to enjoy this phase more deeply, so I was going to let it last as long as it was going to, without straining along. At the same time, I couldn't wait for baby to come out and for me to meet him. Birth is so full of paradox!

  All this thinking and feeling really took only a couple of seconds, and I didn't have to wait long: 4 of those surges and baby was out. After the first surge, I tried to straighten up again, so I would be sitting on my knees and catch the baby myself, but it didn't feel good to be straight up like that. I needed to support myself on my hands. I so wanted to catch this baby but it wasn't going to happen. Baby obviously needed me to be in a certain position.
  

  Another surge and the baby's head crowned. This was my biggest baby, but I never felt any ring of fire when the head crowned. Being on hands and knees felt great! So much less pressure.
  

  With the next surge, the baby's head came out. Aaron knew it was a boy, just by the look of his features. As Thomas emerged, I remember Aaron saying: 'I see ears, oh, there is the eyes and the nose...' He sounded so excited. We had hoped for a little girl, esp. Rachel wanted a sister, but God gave us another boy, knowing what is best for us all. I had had a feeling that this would be a boy since around the end of the second trimester so I was not surprised.  

  As soon as the head was out, baby let out a little cry to tell me he was ok, as if he knew I needed the reassurance. He was still on the perineum!  Then I felt some kind of pulling and I yelled at Aaron: "Don't pull, don't pull!"  "I am not pulling!" Aaron said, "baby is doing his thing." I then realized that the baby was turning to have his shoulders be born. I had never been as conscious of this. What an amazing feeling!

  With the next surge the shoulders and the rest of baby were born. The cord was around baby's neck which Aaron just pushed aside as he emerged. He never said anything during the birth, he just moved it. He said he remembered what Mary had told him about how to do this if there was a cord. He saw the cord and did as he had been told. Very casually. (Mary is my midwife who had assisted my previous births and whom we had consulted about possible issues during birth)

  Aaron caught the baby from behind, and passed him through my legs. Quite the circus act because he was so slippery. I put him on my stomach and he looked up at me. Hello baby! I put him on my breast and he started nursing. So amazing, again. How do they know? I looked at the clock, it was 3.30. Aaron was finally the one to catch his own baby! He went from not wanting to be at the birth of his first child, to catching the one who might just be our last! 

  Oh, baby was precious! I kept saying "Glory be to God, glory be to God". Everything went very smoothly and it was *absolutely wonderful* to just be with ourselves. It was very intimate. As soon as I was in labor, the worries, fears and apprehensions I had had the last few weeks disappeared. I was so deeply focused and concentrated. I felt so much grace, love and warmth. Aaron mentioned afterwards how relaxed I seemed and that it didn't seem all that painful. I was relaxed and it wasn't painful. I was wrapped in bliss. God was there blessing us, as was His holy Mother. I wish I could always be in this kind of prayer. The whole moment was perfect, so very special and yet so very normal. I feel truly loved by the support and trust Aaron has given me during this pregnancy and labor.
  

  After about an hour, Aaron tied and cut the cord. I had braided different hues of blue embroidery strings together (and pink ones just in case) to make a strong string. We were now separate after 9 months and 5 days. Lotus birth (where you keep the placenta attached, wrapped along baby, until the cord breaks on its own) was something I was going to consider in the moment, but it didn't feel like something I wanted.

  My little girl had the time of her life! She was there the whole time and saw her baby brother being born. She was sooooo happy! I am so glad she got to witness a natural home birth! The whole time she positioned herself so she could see my perineum. When I was pushing, with every bit of baby coming out she clapped and kept saying "It's coming, I see it, almost there..."  She was so thrilled and it was special to have her there. Comforting in a sense too, because she has had no incentive to fear birth. To her, birth is a normal thing women do. Her trust and total fearlessness was just wonderful to have with me. She might not remember the details as she grows up, but she will remember the experience and the feelings somewhere in her subconscious. 
  

  After the birth, and waiting for the placenta, I wanted Mary to come over. I was very uncomfortable with the placenta still in me, and with all the other births it had always taken a while, a few hours even, though without complications, but I was impatient. And growing more uncomfortable. Squatting didn't do anything, pushing didn't, nothing did. Baby was nursing, cramps were bad. I got a little antsy. I wasn't sure what to do. I couldn't feel if the placenta was detached or not, so I didn't want to pull either (of course). Mary came, checked the baby and felt my stomach. She said the placenta was detached, and that she could give it a tug if I wanted. Oh, the relief. Finally I could feel my uterus shrink. I remember that after the birth of my first, I had simply forgotten that there was still a placenta to be delivered. I had never prepared this part in my head. After a few hours, I was given pitocin to start contractions again, and it was all just really unpleasant. Maybe the third stage is just like this for me, ie long, but I simply do not like it. Shrugs.
  

  I do think though, that had Aaron not made all the phone calls he made immediately after the birth (he was so excited and even forgot to cover me - yep, I caught a cold...) that I would have remained much more concentrated and would have kept the stillness of time with me longer. The placenta would have come when it came. In retrospect it is amazing how much influence the outside world has. Instead of  intuitively feeling my way through the third stage, I was thinking my way through, and with thinking all kinds of worrying thoughts took over, which resulted in insecurity and fear. I was not in touch any more with my birthing self and I needed someone on the outside to coach me. 

  Some facts: Baby's name is Thomas Jude (the first baby I named, Aaron had instinctively come up with the other names). He weighed 7lbs 11oz, a whole pound bigger than his siblings were!! But then again he was 3 weeks later than his brothers who were both 2 weeks early (Rachel had been born on her due date but we established that this was an early EDD by about two weeks as well). He was 21 1/4" long, which is about 1 1/2" longer than his siblings! His head was 35 cm. No tears as usual. Thomas had a big birth mark on his forehead, a stork mark, a big V shape right in the center. But it is almost gone now. It will be funny for a while when he gets mad, as its gets redder then. He has a little one on his nose as well.

  What else can I say... it was wonderful. The boys came home as soon as we called them, and after Mary left we all watched a movie and ate some ice cream, 2 hours after Thomas was born, passing him around. Rachel was thrilled because she rocked him to sleep. I felt great and energized, I had taken a shower at some point, and aside from being ravenously hungry, and that I had had another baby, life went on as if this was just a minor interruption. Of course it wasn't minor, but it felt so normal. It was just a normal birth. Raw, instinctive, part of life, truly wonderful, and normal. Not that my other births were less than wonderful! But being alone with God, myself and my baby, was a different experience. Although I had always given birth at home with a wonderful midwife, I hadn't thought about unassisted birth before this pregnancy; I guess I went through a growth of awareness of my internal God given knowledge to give birth. It was during the birth of my third child that I had become aware of this knowledge. It was a long labor with challenges, but my body had guided me.  When I got pregnant again, I knew I wanted to experience this state of being more fully, undisturbed, in all intimacy.  And I did.

  Humbly,

  maria.

  Check out www.unassistedchildbirth.com

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